Announcements on Public Transport

I don't know how you feel about this, but I am always intrigued (even when irritated) by the various forms taken by public announcements at stations, airports or indeed on various forms of transport. What set me off this time was an announcement at London Bridge Station which, while delivered in an impeccable English accent, was totally indecipherable because of the speed of delivery.

This brought back floods of memories of weird and wonderful announcements I have heard over the years:
- The senior pilot on an Olympic Airways jumbo jet who said 'Hlo leyz un gntlmensh ths is yr captain spikking...' etc etc in a completely incomprehensible accent in what for him passed as english, and was completely sober at the time.
- The BA steward who, when making safety announcements said 'and if oxygen masks drop, please do not try to smoke (it was allowed on planes in those far away days...) as you will find it not only difficult but extremely dangerous!'
- The delightful platform manager on London Underground who said, in the days when the Circle Line was exactly that, 'And the next train on this platform will be a Circle Line train going round and round and round and round...'.
- A fairly standard announcement concerning 'avoiding card clash' when using the London public transport system's electronic entry/exit points which, with the way people tend to speak, sounds more like 'avoid car crash', awfully perplexing when using public transport.
- Today on London Underground 'Pull your rucksack in, mate, you're holding up the whole train'
- I just love 'The train now standing at platform X is the Blah Blah Blah' when the train has not yet pulled in to the station, so you look and see an empty platform - priceless!
- And perhaps my favourite, when the Northern line tube pulls in to the station called Oval (named after the Oval, a nearby famous cricket ground) and the announcement is made that 'this station is oval' to which I want to say 'No, no it isn't, it's the same shape as all the others'.

Of course I always have a desire to make announcements myself, modifying existing ones ever so slightly: 'Please keep your husband/wife/child (delete as appropriate) with you at all times and do not leave them unattended. If found unattended they may be taken away and could be destroyed'... Oh well, many of us live in hope!
The other announcement I would love to make is 'Would Mr. XXX, last remaining passenger for XYZ please note that, unless he arrives at the appointed gate within the next 2 minutes in order to stop delaying this flight, he will be forced to travel to a destination not of his choosing and in the opposite direction to that of his suitcase'.
And 'In the unlikely event that we encounter serious problems and the plane loses altitude suddenly please run up and down the aisle screaming "we're all going to die" at the top of your voice while panicking hysterically'...
Finally, for a British railway company (you know who you are, and you are not northern!) I would like to say 'We would like to apologise to our customers for the cancellation of our service to XYZ and the delay it may cause to their journey. We say this because we're supposed to but, quite frankly, we don't give a ----.' And it certainly feels like that!