Leaves, leaves, more of those f---king leaves

What can I say that will not make you think that I have gone - completely - crazy... This is the second post devoted to the dreaded leaves that are taking over my part of London and making life difficult, especially for the people who are assigned to sweep them up, a Sisyphean task at this time of year.

And they are everywhere, these leaves, covering pavements and creating a slippery surface for walkers and joggers, especially on a damp day. They also like to coat railway lines so that our trains, obviously unused to this annual phenomenon, encounter the wrong leaves and are thus unable to function properly, creating railway chaos. These sinister little leaves (or, occasionally, big) are everywhere, trying to disrupt modern life as we know it, suggesting an evil plan of some description by the forces that run our Universe, our lives, everything.

These same forces now cunningly conspire to make our evenings darker by changing our clocks back to GMT so that we are less able to spot the lurking leaves waiting to catch us out. As you slither your way home from the tube or train (you'll be lucky, ha-ha) tonight try and tell yourself that this all happens by accident and not design, when the evil hand is so obvious everywhere. Why do you think leaves fall now when it gets darker and not in the summer when they would stay dry and could be seen? Yeah, just nature being nature, right!

Well, your 'nature', not content with sending us the leaves to mess up our lives is now turning the screws by making the weather colder as well, forcing us to wear layers of clothing to keep our body temperatures at remotely acceptable levels. Not only do our trains not run properly and we have to slip and slide everywhere, giving a good impression of hopelessly incompetent ice-skaters, but we are now made to freeze our whatsits (sexual equality, don't you know) off trying to do so... Still think this is innocent?

No, my friends, it's time to wake up and accept the facts: There are strange, I would even say dark, powers controlling our world, taking great pleasure from our discomfort! Next time you slip on some wet leaves listen carefully, for you may hear them sniggering in the background. Next time your train is cancelled due to 'the wrong kind of leaves on the line' listen just after the announcement; they might even be laughing out loud.

The sinister leaves that are everywhere at the moment are damning evidence of a gigantic conspiracy to make us suffer, it seems. Yet some fools will insist on writing optimistically about Autumn, Winter and the charm of the changing of the seasons...